How to have family conversations about estate planning

Discussing your wishes for your assets and healthcare with loved ones can be daunting. After all, talking about money and death, especially together, can be uncomfortable. But it's important to help ensure that everyone is aware of your intentions, should something happen to you. These 5 tips can help you prepare.

Estate plans aren't just for the wealthy

Estate planning — which is really about putting your wishes in writing — serves anyone who owns assets, from houses, cars and sentimental items to bank and investment accounts, regardless of their amount or value. An estate plan isn't just one, lofty document. It's made up of multiple legal documents that encompass many aspects of your personal finances and goals.

Why you need to talk about estate planning

Avoiding these conversations out of fear of an emotional response is common. However, setting clear expectations now goes a long way in helping you feel at ease in the future. Without a plan, the future of your assets will be determined by asset title, beneficiary designation and state law, which may not align with your wishes.
Here's how to prepare for a successful conversation:
First slide show of three: Create an agenda
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The focus of this conversation is communicating your intent and wishes. Everyone should have the opportunity to ask questions, share their desires and clarify their understanding of your plans.
Include all your assets
Houses and cars, investment and bank accounts are all assets. But so are items of sentimental value, like jewelry and furniture. Assets can be passed on to any loved one, regardless of your relationship.
Make a list
Consider creating an itemized list of your possessions to make your wishes more concrete. It'll help prevent conflict about things that have significant sentimental value rather than dollar amounts.
Don't stress about documents
Traditional estate documents tend to be written with complicated legal terms. If you have an estate planner or lawyer, they can write a digestible summary of what's in your will and other legal documents, including beneficiary designations and asset titling. However, it isn't necessary to share the actual documents (or even have them prepared).
If you've already talked about finances with your adult children, then the transition of assets is just a continuation of those conversations."
— Kevin Hindman, managing director and wealth strategy executive, Bank of America
Second slide show of three: Start the conversation
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It's never too early to start the conversation with loved ones. Being sensitive to their fears and concerns will create more open discussions. Keep in mind that these conversations should be ongoing with plans evolving as people's lives and situations change.
Pick the right time
The goal is to be transparent and make sure everyone is included. Start by scheduling a specific time and place so everyone is focused. Try and avoid bringing up the topic unexpectedly and during busy times, like the holidays or family events.
Convey the value of the inheritance
Knowing your audience is crucial. Financial terms can make things confusing, so try real life examples — like letting your child know that you've put aside money for graduate school tuition or that they'll receive a piece of sentimental jewelry.
Include the 'why'
Be sure to remind your loved ones that these plans were created to help clarify your wishes as well as to help minimize any tax burdens on their inheritance. Also, you can help protect your assets from creditors if the inheritance stays in a trust to benefit the child.
Be open and upfront
Listen closely to your loved ones. Be open to their views and desires. They may not be what you thought, and you may end up adjusting some of your plans. Addressing this now can help prevent conflict down the road.
Make it practical. If something should happen to you and you're unable to manage your affairs, they should know where they are and how to access critical information. This includes your healthcare wishes as well, especially in the event you're unable to make decisions about your health."
— Lynn Bebeau, director, wealth strategies, Bank of America
Third slide show of three: Prepare for sensitive situations
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Preparation will help keep the conversation smooth, peaceful and on topic. Whether in a group setting or one-on-one, take the time to anticipate potential issues and solutions.
Preventing conflict
  • Maintain a firm but calm demeanor as you emphasize that your estate plan encapsulates your wishes — for potential healthcare needs as well as assets — and you request their respect for it.
  • Addressing areas of potential conflict ahead of time to help prevent tension and misunderstandings down the road.
Answering tough questions
Family dynamics can be very tricky — listen closely to understand their concerns and avoid being defensive. Reiterate that this first discussion is just making sure that everyone understands your plans to make it easier for the family.
Handling challenging dynamics
How and what you give is not going to resolve long-term family conflicts. Be realistic about your family's relationships. For example, if your biological child and your stepchild don't get along well, expecting them to share oversight responsibilities or assets like a house isn't going to salvage their relationship upon your passing.
You don't have to solve everything in this first discussion. This should really be an ongoing conversation — and maybe even a one-on-one follow up with a loved one if necessary."
— Kevin Hindman, managing director and wealth strategy executive, Bank of America

5 tips to help ensure your conversations go smoothly

  1. Start early: The sooner you discuss your wishes, the better prepared everyone will be.
  2. Be patient: This is a heavy and emotional topic. Give everyone room to digest the information and react to it.
  3. Include sentimental items: An estate plan isn't just for the big stuff. Don't forget family heirlooms that may not have monetary value.
  4. Know your audience: Anticipating potential issues and ways to resolve them can help prevent conflict.
  5. Keep talking: Part of this process is keeping loved ones updated as life and your finances evolve. Review plans annually as outdated estate plans can lead to confusion and maintain an open dialogue to help avoid surprises.
Ultimately, knowing your affairs are in order can help bring comfort to you and your loved ones. After all, it's about more than just assets, it's about being prepared and clear on your wishes for a smooth transition.

Next steps

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